Before I get too into this, I want to discuss what exactly it means to forgive someone. Dictionary.com would say:
But that definition is a bit too vague. There are many more facets to forgiveness. For example: Does forgiveness mean only accepting an apology but no longer allowing the person to be in your life? Does forgiveness require you to give the person another chance? Does forgiveness require you to trust them completely when you give them another chance?
I think the answer is that it depends on the person and situation, but for the sake of this blog, I will be focusing on the type of forgiveness that you give when intending to give the person another chance.
Forgiving someone is hard and trusting them is even harder, but how do you know when it is ok to forgive someone and when their bad deeds are too much? Unfortunately, I will not be supplying a concrete answer to this question as I don't believe one exists. However, here are a few things to keep in mind when considering whether or not to forgive someone:
1. The past is the past and nothing is going to change it.
A hard fact of life is that the past is concrete. Until we invent a time machine, everything that has happened is unchangeable. Sometimes forgiving someone for something is difficult because you are mad at what they have done, but if you see that they have learned from their mistake and are ready to move on with their life, maybe it is time for you to put the past behind you as well and give them another chance.
2. Past actions can be reflective of future actions.
All of that being said, if someone has made the same mistake multiple times, it may not be a good idea to forgive them again and risk getting hurt. Humans are creatures of habit. We tend to find things we enjoy and stick with them as much as we can and sometimes this tendency can cause us to do terrible things. If the person you are considering forgiving is a repeat offender, take a long time to consider whether or not they are really as ready to move on as you are. And if you do choose to forgive them, maybe you should be cautious about your relationship. Make sure to consider whether or not their past actions put you or your loved ones in danger or if future actions could hold that threat.
3. Your relationship with the person before hand.
Sometimes you meet people who seem to make life great or just good. But eventually you start noticing a roller coaster pattern. Your relationship is good and then terrible and then good and then awful. It goes on and on until you're tired of it, but the goods make you feel like it's worth it. If you are in the position where you have the chance to forgive them or not, you have the chance to get out. Think about the past you've had with them and consider whether this is a person you really want to forgive. It doesn't even matter what they've done in this case. It's all about the relationship itself. Even if it is a family member that you are considering forgiving. If they are more trouble than they're worth, they aren't worth your forgiveness.
No matter what you decide, make sure that your decision is yours alone and not influenced directly by the person you are considering forgiving. They have no say in this. Forgiveness is a very personal thing and should not be taken lightly in certain circumstances. But even if you decide not to forgive them, make sure that you are able to forgive in your mind and move on in your life. Forgiving someone in your mind does not mean that you have to tell them that they are forgiven or that you have to show your forgiveness to them in any way. It is simply a way for you to continue in your own life. If you dwell on someone else's mistakes, you will find that moving forward becomes a lot more like dragging your feet through solid concrete.
