Let's Talk: Consensual Physical Interactions Talk

In light of the recent happenings at MomoCon, I have decided to write about consent. However, I will be straying quite a bit from those specific issues, which were mainly victim blaming, and discuss the yes part of consent rather than the no.

Those of you who have ever talked about any relationships with me know that communication is my 100% must have. If someone doesn’t tell me what they want or what I'm doing that's bothering them, I can't fix it. This rule goes for everyone. Tell me what you want, think, or hate and I'll do the best I can to make it better. I often have trouble understanding why people would rather not talk about how they feel or what they think. After all, I can't possibly know what's going on inside your head until you tell me.

I have noticed this strange misconception about physical relationships: once people are in love, they will know absolutely everything about each other and always know when their significant other is "in the mood." It seems as if this fantasy originated in various entertainment media that wanted an easy way to show the connection between two people. However, it is a long accepted fact that TV, movies, and book characters have a tendency to be unrealistic. In reality, even when you love someone with all your heart, you are still existing in separate bodies.

There is no way for your significant other to truly understand how you feel at all times. Over time, they may learn little cues your body gives off when you are feeling a certain way, but they will never actually be in your head reading your thoughts. So why do we expect them to be? There is this idea of sex or any physically stimulating interaction in which two people wordlessly enjoy the pleasures of each other's bodies, which as I have mentioned, may not be the most plausible way to go about it.

Think about the times that you've been with someone you care for physically in any stimulating way (this includes hand holding and other more G rated interactions). One of the best parts is knowing that you can bring them as much joy as they can bring you, right? Sure, you may be able to tell how they're feeling based on their physical reactions, but it would be a million times easier if we all simply said how we felt. More of that. Less of that. Oh my god keep doing that!

While I was in college, I attended a mandatory seminar called Can I Kiss You by the Date Safe Project. If you checked it out before, I highly encourage you to do so. They focus on what qualifies as consent inside and outside of the bedroom. For example, as I'm sure you can tell by the title, the seminar had a strong emphasis on the beginning of most physical relationships: the kiss.

Although it sounds awkward to ask someone, "can I kiss you?" before leaning in for the big smooch, the benefits seem to outnumber the drawbacks. Think about it. Is it more awkward to have kissed someone who didn't want to be kissed or to have confessed attraction to someone who didn't feel the same way? Neither situation is ideal, but at least in the latter no awkward, unwanted physical interactions occur. Plus, think of how nice it would be to hear "Yes" after asking that question. If they say yes or even immediately kiss you back, you know without a doubt in your mind that they want you too.

So communicate and ask permission. Tell people what you want and what you don't want. There is so much more to communicating in relationships than simply saying no, but we can never experience the joy of saying yes if we're never asked the question to begin with.