Taking Risks

I have always been a very cautious person physically. I was never the type of child to jump off a wall or try to climb a tree. I think that my caution stemmed from the fact that there were never any jumping walls or climbing trees around me when I was growing up. My parents did not shelter me from pain nor did they ignore me when I cried. I was just never in situations where I could do something obviously dangerous and risk getting hurt. My worst injury acquired was when I broke my collarbone after a window fell on me. My strangest injury was when I somehow managed to badly scrape the area right under my nose while racing my father up the driveway. And of course, my first stitches were given to me when I split my chin open on the bathroom floor when I slipped while crawling around pretending to be a dog.
All of these injuries happened pretty early on, and while they did hurt me, they didn't really discourage me from running and playing. I was still a healthy, active child, just not one who was likely to jump off a high place or climb anywhere at all. I was perfectly content on the ground and I still am. Despite my injuries, I am not particularly scared around construction sites or in the bathroom or when running on the road. However, I am terrified when it comes to emotional pain.
Before middle school, I lived a perfectly happy, peaceful life. Like most children, I dreamed of something more because I was unable to see the wonders I already had. I was not content with a dog; I dreamed of having a miniature horse that would wear horse tennis shoes in the house too. I dreamed of going on adventures like the characters I loved to read about in my books. Little did I know the emotional strife that can follow those adventures. In sixth grade, I faced the biggest challenge of my life when my parents got divorced and my family tried to reform itself into something better.
As a child, I could not understand why my parents did not love each other or why they were doing this to me. It hurt me and the stress of the adjustments being made in my life along with the pressures and dramas of middle school caused me to go into a deep depression. It was one of those depressions you do not realize you're in until you are back out. Once I finally managed to return to my old, happy self around freshmen year, I was only a little more cautious than before. I had learned to be more careful about telling people everything. I learned what facts to hide and which to expose early on, just like any other kid.
Then, everything took another nose dive my junior year. I went deeper into depression than I ever had been before, coming out of it just in time to start my senior year in high school. By then, I had learned that stress caused my depressions. Unfortunately, I let my grades slip, unwilling to go study the extra hour in fear that it would cause stress and I would dive right back into the black bit I had just climbed out of. I became extremely emotionally cautious, hiding myself behind a fake smile and untold stories.
Only recently have I begun realizing that being so emotionally guarded will never get me anywhere in life. I have never played Tetris because I heard it was addicting and didn't want to get addicted. I never played Flappy Bird for the same reason. And up until last night, I had not read The Fault in Our Stars because I heard that it was heart breaking. Let me tell you, that book is painful, but also beautiful. It made me realize that taking risks in life doesn't just mean jumping out of a plane or dropping out of college to pursue your life long dream of being an artist. It means allowing yourself to do something that you know can hurt you no matter how minor the pain.
In The Fault in Our Stars (I don't like calling it TFIOS for some reason. It looks wrong) the two main characters take the biggest risk of all, falling in love. Now, I know it may sound cheesy to say that falling in love is the biggest risk ever and some of you may roll your eyes and say "Wouldn't jumping off of a cliff with no way to slow your momentum or cushion your fall be a bigger risk" and in some ways you would be right. If we are talking physically, jumping off that cliff would definitely be more dangerous and you probably shouldn't do that. But in my opinion, falling in love is one of the most risky things you can do emotionally.
Think about it. When you fall in love with someone, you are giving them the power to hurt you. For some people that may not hit home as much, but others will hopefully be able to emphasize with me here. But falling in love is not really the point of the blog here. I am talking about taking risks with your emotions.
Take the risk of reading a book that makes everyone cry or watching a movie in which you know the dog dies (almost rhymed!). These experiences are what drives life. You are a boring person if you can't talk about something that really made you feel emotionally. If you're reading this and thinking to yourself "I might be boring..." go out there and find something you are passionate about. It could be a good passion or a bad passion, but it is feeling. Our emotions make us alive and, some may argue, human.
You cannot find these passions if you do not take risks. For me, it is easy to decide to take time out of my day to try something new. It is when it comes to emotional risks that I close up. Everyone is different. We all have risks that we are less willing to take. I am less willing to allow myself to care for someone deeply whereas someone else may be less willing to try bungee jumping. Find that thing that is hard for you to do and do it. I promise, having that experience will make your life all the better.