Compliments

As a child, I was taught that one of the highest compliments I could achieve as a woman was being thought of as beautiful. I spent hours worrying about how people perceived my physical form and on some level believed that I needed a friend or more-than-friend to confirm whether or not I was attractive. Of course, part of growing up is learning to look at yourself and tell yourself that you're beautiful and to have that be enough, but this point is outside that one. I'm not here to talk about my body image issues, past or present. I want to talk about compliments and how you can make them worthier of being given.

For the sake of my argument today, I am going to focus on the women's side of the issue because that is the only side I grew up experiencing. Even if you do not identify as a women, you may still be able to empathize or at lease sympathize with what I say, so don't let your gender stop your eyes from in taking the information I am about to bestow upon you.

Almost everyone hears "you're getting so big!" while growing up. You could consider it a starter compliment to prepare you for the butt load of compliments you will receive. And like this "starter compliment," almost everyone hears the same compliment for the rest of their growing lives. I have been told by male friends and family that for men, it is typically, "look how smart he's getting" or "look how strong you are." From my own experience I know that for women the compliment tends to be "look how beautiful she is." By giving out these compliments to those specific genders, people imply that the only thing worth being as a man is smart or strong and the only thing worth being as a woman is beautiful. There is a key difference between these compliments, which makes one better, though neither are ideal. The difference is that one is almost entirely involuntary.

My looks are outside of my control for the most part. I can eat well and exercise, wash my face, put on make up, and actually shower, all of which I do, but unless I decide to go under the knife, there are certain aspects of my body I cannot change. Even with a plastic surgeon's help, I can't adjust my bone structure, so why is beauty, something so randomly bestowed by genetics, the ultimate compliment?

My mind can be honed. In fact, we go to school for that very purpose. If I decide to learn more about playing guitar, I can, and in fact, I do. If I decide to become a better writer, I can blog/write and ask for criticism from my friends and family. There are classes I can take to learn different and wonderful things all of which you might find my knowledge of fascinating. When you work with you're brain, you start off with a mostly blank slate, unlike when you're working with your body.

However, even intelligence is not the perfect compliment because there are some aspects of your ability to learn that are genetic. In order to discover what the best compliment is, you must ask yourself why you are giving it out in the first place. Typically when you compliment someone, you are encouraging them to "keep it up." So what is the right thing to compliment people on? Compliment them on their traits such as their dedication, perceptiveness, or punctuality.

All that being said, I am not going to simply throw you out there with a "say better things" without first giving you a few examples. I love being called intelligent, but perhaps a better compliment would be "hardworking." Compliment me on something I can control like my refusal to give up or my fervor for a cause such as feminism. If I can look in the mirror and see a woman full of potential and possibility, then you can see more than physical beauty when you look at me.

So I challenge you. Next time you have the chance to give your friend, special-friend, lover, whatever, a compliment, start with something within them that you love. Tell them how you love their taste in clothes or their willingness to take risks. Perhaps you like their passion for music, science, or life. There are so many things out there worth commenting on besides beauty and general intelligence, and once we start focusing on the parts of ourselves that we have control over, we will feel happier and prouder to be who we are.

And by the way, thanks for reading my blog. It means a lot to me that you take time out of your day to read my little attempts at wisdom. If you have something to add or think I'm wrong, don't hesitate to tell me in the comments below.